Kiss Me, Kate is a musical playing in Squires Haymarket Theatre – on the Virginia Tech campus- this weekend.

Here is a preliminary review:

“The only thing I know about it is that there’s a lot of unpleasant screaming… I can’t see the stage at all, so it’s hard to say.

But I will tell you that it’s at least 2.5 hours long- *snooze*.”

-Anonymous Person In The Know

But I say, if you like musicals and have $12 (adult), $8 (the elderly), $6 (VT Students) you should go. I’m not 100% sure I fit into either category, though sometimes I try to squeeze in some culture.

Situation: You are at the Virginia Tech staff gym, miraculously having arrived there at a time when you were able to find a parking spot AND the gym was actually open. Probably still in shock at your good fortune, you have inadvertently broken one of the many ridiculous rules which the workers describe as ‘etiquette’. An ugly worker is now harassing you.

What to do?

Problem: You have forgotten your towel.

Wrong:
Troll: Do you have a towel?
You: Uh, no, sorry. I forgot it today but I usually bring it…
Troll: You need to have a towel to be in here. You have to leave or I’m calling the police*.

What did you do wrong? You admitted weakness. Never apologize! Lie instead.

Right:
Troll: Do you have a towel?
You: (serenely) Yes!*

Troll leaves. Problem solved.

Problem: You left the weights on the machine.

Now, I am assuming there is a rational explanation for this- you hurt your hand, or you weren’t actually done lifting when a bunch of slow- moving, highfiving, dumbass frat boys descended on the machine when you weren’t paying attention and you know it’s not worth trying to explain the concept of ‘working in’ to these people because they have never been to a gym before and they will never be back. It would be time wasted, and you need to spend all your spare time hunting for parking near the gym, right? Right.

Wrong:
Troll: Excuse me, were you using that machine?
You: Yes, but…
Troll: YOU NEED TO TAKE OFF THE WEIGHTS WHEN YOU ARE DONE!!! THAT’S WHAT WE CALL GYM ETIQUETTE!*

Right:
Troll: Were you using that machine?
You: Yes. They are working in.**
-or-
You: No.*

Troll leaves. Problem solved.

Situation: You have been on the cardio machine for more than 45 minutes.

(This does not typically happen to me because I do not normally work out on the cardio machines for more than about 30 minutes. I get bored easily.)

Wrong:
Troll: How long have you been on that machine?
You: 57 minutes.
Troll: THAT’S TOO LONG! PEOPLE ARE WAITING!*

Right:
Troll: How long have you been on that machine?
You: 10 minutes.*

Troll leaves. Problem solved.

Conclusions:
Gym Etiquette is nothing to fear. With a few simple phrases, you can get around it and get on with your workout.

*actual conversation
** Simulated conversation but I think it would probably work