Dear Butterfingers,<\/p>\n
I understand what’s going on. Your number is (571) 237- 6374. My number is (571) 237- 6371. The 1 is above the 4 and you keep misdialing when checking your Goddam voice mail. <\/p>\n
You have to stop this. Please. Please stop dialing my number at 7 AM. I assume anyone who calls me at 7 AM is having an emergency, not simply using their butterfingers to misdial their own voice mail. Please also stop dialing my number at 9:30 AM, 10:45 AM, and all other available times. <\/p>\n
In the interest of good will I guess I will apologize for the following conversation that we had at 9:30 AM:<\/p>\n
Me: (picking up phone from deep sleep) Who are you? Why do you keep calling me?
\nYou: (mumbling some elaborate story in thick Spanish accent)
\nMe: What the hell? (I hang up)<\/p>\n
Ordinarily I am up by 9:30 and busily at work*. Let’s recap the night.<\/p>\n
2 AM: Go to bed.
\n3:30 AM: Wake up melting in extraordinary heat from suddenly overactive heater.
\n3:45 AM: Crawl down risky loft ladder to turn down thermostat.
\n3:45 to 6 AM: Lay (LIE!) in bed stewing about life circumstances. Divorce, bankruptcy, demented realtors, etc.
\n6 AM: Doze off
\n7 AM: Alarming phone call nearly gives me heart attack.
\n9:30 AM: Unfortunate conversation
\n11:10 AM: Finally drag myself out of bed, feeling like hell, looking like hell, tired as hell. Attempt to proceed with appalling, hallucinatory, sleep-deprived day. <\/p>\n
You can see how your phone behavior is impacting my life.<\/p>\n
Thank you for your consideration.<\/p>\n
Kevin Inman
\nInsomniac,
\nOwner of the Cell Phone At The Other End of (571) 237- 6371,
\nand Concerned Citizen<\/p>\n
*This is increasingly a total lie. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Dear Butterfingers, I understand what’s going on. Your number is (571) 237- 6374. My number is (571) 237- 6371. The 1 is above the 4 and you keep misdialing when checking your Goddam voice mail. You have to stop this. Please. Please stop dialing my number at 7 AM. I assume anyone who calls me […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_options":[]},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n