Her: What are you doing?
Me: I’m doing some website work.
Her: For a customer?
Me: No, for myself.
Her: I hope you haven’t put up some stupid blog again.

Her: What atrocity did you use the blue sponge for? There is hair all over it.
Me: I used it to scrub paint off the floor.
Her: What do we use the blue sponge for?
Me: Uh… I must have got them mixed up. I thought it was the one we use to scrub the counters with.
Her: B is for Beautiful Blue Rim on the dishes. Blue is for the Best sponge because we use the more expensive sponges for the dishes.
Me: Ah.
Her: Y is for Yellow. We use the yellow sponge to clean the counters because we Yell at Mondego (the cat) when he gets up on the counters.
Me: But Mondego does not ever jump up on the counters.
Her: Then Y is for Yelling at you when you use the wrong sponge.

Unpleasant Visitor: Do you use the TV for anything OTHER THAN storing art supplies?
Me: (to self) What do YOU think, bitch?

Me (fearless sauce chef): “This is not the best sauce ever.”
Her (firmly): “No. It’s not.”
Me (a few moments pass): “I mean, actually, it IS the best sauce ever.”