I realize this is a stupid title for a post and I do not think Dracula ever said that- though let me assure you, Gentle Reader, that he should have. In fact, let us have him say it now:

Sample Conversation Re: I Vant Your Vlood

Dracula: I Vant Your Vlood
Me: You cannot have it, I have pledged it to the American Red Cross.
Dracula: Vell I Vant Your Vlood Anyway
Me: Oh fine, it’s bound to be quicker.

Which is of course true. The benefit to giving blood to society is tremendous. I am O-Negative, so I am a universal donor. (Applause) And plus I can feel smug. The lesson: Give blood!

I digress. The benefit to me in giving blood is basically a free tshirt (usually Xtra large- aka- way too big) but more importantly free pizza.

There is no time benefit in giving blood unless your job gives you paid leave. Which my old job did actually. Before when I worked full-time. I digress. Again.

Well this time as I was waiting an unreasonably long time for the harassed nurse in hot pink cargo pocket scrubs- in other words, the well dressed, harassed nurse- the two volunteers at the front desk finished the pizza – even though it was 5:45 and when I would be done around 6:30 obviously that would be dinnertime… and a perfect time for pizza. But it was not to be. And so I killed them.

Which is the perfect end to any story, except of course it is not true as I am a peaceable and well mannered contributor to society. I am the sort of person who universally donates blood; I am the sort of person who feeds the cat when it is hungry; I am not one to kill people over pizza. But it was still wrong of them to do it, just as it was wrong of them to put in so much hair wax this morning, or yesterday, or last week, or whenever it was they last showered.

The moral of this lesson is twofold: first, give blood. Second, do not begrudge the pizza eaten by hair wax prone red cross volunteers.

The moral of this story is also to be vigilant. Needless to say, had I realized that they were eating the LAST of the pizza, instead of SOME of the plentiful pizza, I would have walked over and asserted myself by snatching it out of their fat, greedy fingers. I would have explained patiently that the pizza is for the good people, the virtuous people, the people like me who take time out of my day to give blood to save the economy and make the world safe for freedom- and not for lazy Red Cross Volunteers.

So to recap. Let us make a note of the following life lessons:

1. give blood
2. don’t bear grudges
3. be vigilant
4. when it comes to pizza it is every wo/man for him/herself

Also, happy Columbus Day! So began an exciting time of cultural collision and epidemic disease. Or something like that.

And, happy birthday to my dad!