You never thought going to Subway could get any worse.

But you were wrong. Because now they have this order-taking, button-pushing, hideous user-interface, talking-to-you-about-options-that-are-not-on-the-screen Devil’s minion Subway machine.

Gone are the days of being able to ask a slack-jawed worker questions such as: “So if I get the chicken bacon ranch, but have it with mustard, would it still be a chicken bacon ranch?”

Now I am not saying that a conversation with the Subway worker is the high point of my day. In general, I find that we have little in common except for the fact that we both hate being there. At Subway.

Subway is the place I eat out of desperation and maybe a little bit because it shares a parking lot with Starbucks and I enjoy not bottoming out now that I drive a large truck instead of a petite sedan and maybe because it is close to the house and faster than 5 Guys – have you noticed it takes like 1 million years to get a burger in that place? If I had 1 million years, I would make my own burger.

To recap, I’m just saying I do not like Subway to begin with. I think the sandwiches taste like cardboard. 5 Guys is too slow. And I think this machine is completely annoying.