Donut Place Man: How did you know about us?
Me: Uh. I just knew.

Car Place Man On The Phone: You also need a new tail light. You can’t just tape it together.

Car Place Man #1: Which car is yours?
Me: The tiger striped one.
Car Place Man #2: Well- other than being tiger striped, what kind of car is it?
Me: I also call it a Toyota.
CPM 3: A Toyota Corolla.
Me: Yes.
CPM 2: A Tigeryota.
Me: Is that my key?

Classmate: Those are some godawful yellow shorts.
Me: That’s some godawful yellow hair.

Teacher: Rufus* has no self esteem and talks too much about his art. Kevin** does not talk enough about his art and is a megalomaniac.

Person In Line In Front Of Me At Kroger, Carrying Rotisserie Chicken, in Spanish: I don’t know how they get the floors so shiny.
Person In Line In Front Of Me At Kroger, Carrying Loaf of Bread, in Spanish: Me either.
PILIFOMAKCRIS: Go get some forks, spoons, and so on.

Me: So then we discussed Johns.
Her: What? Male prostitutes?

Time: 12:32 AM
Her: (already asleep)
Me: (climbing into bed.) Goodnight.
Frightening Zombie Her: (rolls over and clutches me in deathgrip.) Who wants to know? Why are you useless?
Me: What? Let go of me!

* name has been changed to protect the innocent
** me