Today I went to Home Depot at 8:30 AM to buy some Masonite to paint on. The problem is Masonite comes in 8 foot by 4 foot sheets so they have to cut it for you at the store. They don’t let customers use the saws and you cannot get around this because you have to type in a code before the saw will turn on.

I had forgotten how crazy the Home Depot workers are. They were absent from the Masonite-cutting area so I had to track them down near the paint section. One fortyish guy in coveralls and one of those orange Home Depot vest/apron things told me that they “don’t cut Masonite, because the saws don’t work on concrete.” I politely replied that Masonite is a kind of hardboard. Eventually I discovered the Masonite-cutting guy was in the bathroom and was expected to be there for the next 30 minutes, so instead a lunatic cashier attempted to cut my Masonite. It quickly became apparent that he had no experience with the power saw.

It didn’t work out at all. The resulting bits of Masonite were all the wrong sizes and shapes, and they did not possess any right angles. The crazy worker tried to convince me to buy them anyway, employing various passive-aggressive sales tactics revolving around the central idea that at least he had TRIED to cut the Masonite correctly. I declined and stumbled, shellshocked, from Home Depot. I went straight to Lowe’s (Lowe’s does not carry Masonite in this area) and bought pre-cut hardwood panels to paint on. More expensive but much more restful.