“I can’t believe your neighbor parks in your spot!” shouted my crazy downstairs neighbor’s unpleasant mother yesterday, when she showed up to clean his roach infested hellhole of an apartment, as she frequently does on Sundays.

She was talking about me, of course. I heard her since I was sitting on the porch enjoying the sunny 60 degree weather. That is unusual for February around here.

Her son hears voices and is heavily medicated, so he doesn’t have a car. I think that means his parking spot is officially up for grabs.

Besides, I was only parked in his spot because somebody had already parked in mine.

UPDATE: When I got home today, I parked in my designated spot. I looked over at the numbers painted in the parking lot and realized that during this entire incident, I was actually parked in my OTHER neighbor’s spot. Nobody was parked in the medicated guy’s space AT ALL!

Today we went to the Western store, where I tried on rhinestone belts while Mike looked at cowboy boots.

This one guy- fifty years old, unshaven, six foot, two hundred fifty pounds, in Carhartt overalls, wearing baseball cap, stared at me for a long time but I avoid eye contact in places like that. Eventually he built up the nerve to drawl, “Son, the guys’ belts are OVER THERE.”

I was still interested in the belts though I stopped trying them on. I lingered.

“They do seem kind of over-the-top,” I replied.

Last night I dreamed I was in Ethics class and this is what the professor- a fiftysomething blonde battle-ax- gave us as our ethical scenario:

Here’s your scenario:

You are in a room with a desk. The desk has a hutch. Your roommate is sitting at the desk. He or she is using your computer. Inside the hutch there is a tiger. You have a choice. You can either eat your roommate, or you have to open the hutch and let the tiger out.

What do you do?

Here’s some more information:

The tiger drives a Porsche.

Went to Jason’s last night for soup. A pyramid was the logical conclusion to the evening. We regretted the low ceilings.

A lot happened on Sunday.

We went to the Star City Cat Fanciers cat show. There were so many cats. It was awesome.

Here is when we first arrived.

We were very excited that our counterfeit coupons were accepted. That was a $4 savings. Immediately we set all of our cameras on a ledge and set the timers so we could take a group photo in our cat shirts.

The hotel was abuzz. Tons of cat fanciers, of course, but also a surprising number of dogs in coats. There was a bar, but the bartender told us they sold out of all of the alcohol and they had to close by 2:30 PM. That was disturbing and a shame, but I reminded the group that we don’t need alcohol to have fun, when we have cats.

Amid the hubbub I took the opportunity to pee and found this in the men’s room:

European. Get it? For the ladies, this is some kind of deodorant cake/splash guard that you find in many urinals. I don’t know how useful they really are but you still see them a lot.

After that we checked out the vendors area where there was a wide variety of garish cat themed items for sale, many of which I liked a lot such as rhinestone brooches in the shapes of playful cats. For better or worse, it is outside my comfort zone to wear these kinds of items. I also felt awkward about photographing anything in the vendors area. I did however take a picture of Julia’s insane fingers, which turn white in the cold.

After that we looked at cats.

Here is my favorite cat:

I like his crazy flat face and the fact that his fur is a giant poof. I would like a cat like this.

There were quite a few crazies at the cat show, but mostly they were harmless and seemed to really love their cats and love the jazzy environment. I love people who are totally absorbed in what they are doing. In this case, it was cats, but it is nice whatever the context.

I learned that acting like a lurking monster is not permissible in the cat show environment. According to a strident cat show worker, allegedly this behavior makes cats nervous. Repeat it at your own risk:

We had exhausted most of the options at the cat show when feverish hunger drove us- well, actually I drove us in the 4 Runner- to our favorite Roanoke dining spot- Thelma’s Chicken and Waffles.

There I had Fried Green Tomatoes, which were fantastic, served with a “mo betta” sauce that was slightly pink:

Followed by chicken and waffles.

Additional strange sights were seen at a flea market, including this suit of armor which was pretty cool.

Driving home we played Garth Brooks on the car radio. It was a perfect day.

I’ve been very productive lately.

Without even trying I made this attractive ghost by simply wiping my paintbrush on a kleenex, or maybe it is a napkin. Clearly a sign of genius.

I also made these coupons for the Roanoke “cat fanciers” show which we are attending tomorrow. We will get $1 off entry with these coupons. I had to use my highly developed Photoshop skills to make them. Obviously grad school is already paying off.

They are not perfect because perfection is impossible in home made graphic design projects and not worth striving for. The back is upside down and the colors do not match, even though I put them on newsprint. I’m trusting that the following assumptions will hold true:

1. The person checking these things will never notice, because we will be wearing cat sweatshirts:

2. If they do notice, it will probably be funny.

3. Forged cat coupons are probably not worth calling the FBI or pressing charges.

4. If they did, we would laugh about it later while kicking ourselves now.

5. We will describe our actions as a public art project if we are apprehended and sent to prison. You can get away with anything if you call it an art project.

I also mounted a show this week in the glass corridor known as the Radford University Satellite Gallery located in Muse Hall on the Radford campus. The show is called Landscapes and it is pictures of landscapes I painted last summer.

I wanted to see some landscapes and Mike wanted to do some off roading so the other day we went to Burke’s Garden, VA, which was totally dope.

I really liked the crazy tall mailbox on a snowy mountain road:

There were huge icicles in Burke’s Garden as well but these giant ones were actually just down the hill from my house in Radford:

Him: Did you buy new mouthwash?
Me: No, but I mint to.

An army of damp socks.

Innovative Roach Trap:

This is a great way to trap roaches. Then you can just smash them with a finger.

Sold this painting:

That was pretty sweet. And then I dropped the I Heart New York mug and broke it, so the painting has already become a priceless relic.

My credit card number was stolen at a restaurant in Richmond over Thanksgiving. We got everything straightened out- well, mostly. Today I got an invoice in the mail for $2000 worth of Bibles that were shipped to somewhere in Ohio.

Pretty funny.

I took an ordinary sugar cookie recipe- Betty Crocker- and added Skittles. Voila. Instant magic.

Some of the Skittles melted, leading to this unfortunate Lemon Skittle Piss Effect:

I then decorated them in inimitable fashion:

The cookies were absolutely delicious. They were UNBELIEVABLY GOOD. Tropical Skittles would have been even better, but sadly those are not sold in the midwest.

We went on an Art Journey of Oklahoma City yesterday. It culminated in this series of bronze statues of the ‘boomers’ who are the people in the Oklahoma land rush. They just boomed across the border. (Actually I think there was a cannon that boomed, and then they were allowed to go.) The ‘sooners’ – which is the name of the Oklahoma University sports teams- is the name given to the people who snuck across the border early, before the land rush had officially started.

The statue was quite well done and really looked like it was frozen in excited motion. In art terms, I guess it was baroque.

I strongly encouraged my father to participate in the drama of the statue.

1:

2:

3:

It was pretty awesome.

Remember to screw the cap on.

Seems like everyone’s getting the Christmas decoration bug.

Sean:

Kim:

The people of Bedford provide us with many gems such as ladies dancing:

Lords a’ leaping:

The overall Christmas Miracle that is the National Elks Home:

And:

Note the elk:

I quite enjoyed the abstract light arrangement in this tree:

And my personal favorite, these kids being menaced by a charging Christmas Bear:

I did some decorating too:

Though obviously not any Christmas Tidying.

And here’s my parents’ Dog of Christmas Joy which freezes into a Tragic Christmas Statue whenever you put antlers on her:

Even my father’s Art Niche got a Christmas update:

Another rockin’ Christmas CD. I think “Zombies in the Snow” was the title of the movie the Baudelaire orphans went to see with Uncle Monty in The Reptile Room by Lemony Snicket. It may have also been from a Calvin and Hobbes comic before that.