Dear Butterfingers,

I understand what’s going on. Your number is (571) 237- 6374. My number is (571) 237- 6371. The 1 is above the 4 and you keep misdialing when checking your Goddam voice mail.

You have to stop this. Please. Please stop dialing my number at 7 AM. I assume anyone who calls me at 7 AM is having an emergency, not simply using their butterfingers to misdial their own voice mail. Please also stop dialing my number at 9:30 AM, 10:45 AM, and all other available times.

In the interest of good will I guess I will apologize for the following conversation that we had at 9:30 AM:

Me: (picking up phone from deep sleep) Who are you? Why do you keep calling me?
You: (mumbling some elaborate story in thick Spanish accent)
Me: What the hell? (I hang up)

Ordinarily I am up by 9:30 and busily at work*. Let’s recap the night.

2 AM: Go to bed.
3:30 AM: Wake up melting in extraordinary heat from suddenly overactive heater.
3:45 AM: Crawl down risky loft ladder to turn down thermostat.
3:45 to 6 AM: Lay (LIE!) in bed stewing about life circumstances. Divorce, bankruptcy, demented realtors, etc.
6 AM: Doze off
7 AM: Alarming phone call nearly gives me heart attack.
9:30 AM: Unfortunate conversation
11:10 AM: Finally drag myself out of bed, feeling like hell, looking like hell, tired as hell. Attempt to proceed with appalling, hallucinatory, sleep-deprived day.

You can see how your phone behavior is impacting my life.

Thank you for your consideration.

Kevin Inman
Insomniac,
Owner of the Cell Phone At The Other End of (571) 237- 6371,
and Concerned Citizen

*This is increasingly a total lie.