I have read a lot of dreary articles about the economy lately. Things do look bad today, but I look forward to a bright future when I can be scalped by taxes and astronomical inflation in order to support my parents’ generation in their old age. (I don’t want to retire myself, I just want to work hard to pay off my student loan by the age of ninety.)

I don’t have any practical advice about the economy, needless to say, because nobody does.

But in hard times, I like to remember the classics.

In Pride and Prejudice, the Bennett sisters struggle to find rich husbands who will enable them to maintain their privileged, entitled lifesyles, and eventually they do. In the meantime, they enjoy many fun country pursuits, such as long walks, horseback rides, time spent with the family, dance parties, and tea.

In Jane Eyre, impoverished, hard-luck orphan Jane fights her way from an abusive childhood to coveted jobs as schoolteacher and governess, eventually inherits some money with which she is generous, and marries a rich man with an ugly face, a rocking body (except that he is missing one hand), and a kind heart. Jane too enjoys the simple things in life, including gray clothing and love affairs with married men.

Or think of Don Quixote, who goes crazy from too much reading, comes to believe in magic, goes on a quest, and fights windmills after mistaking them for giants. He enjoys the friendship of a faithful sidekick, plenty of sunshine and red wine, many adventures, and unrequited love for farm girls. But his story ends sadly when he dies of grief after losing touch with the happy world of his imagination.

The books don’t focus on the economic climate but I think we can read between the lines here and take a lesson from Jane Eyre: If you don’t get invited to dances, or if you do get invited but when you arrive people make fun of your drab clothing, at least you can retreat into books until you marry someone rich.

Aka Velvet Elvis.

That’s what I’ll be painting on this canvas, or rather, stretched velvet.

Netflix suggested watching the Muppets Movie, so I did.

I was kind of surprised since this does not seem to reflect my usual watching habits at all (action movies). But it’s so crazy, it’s actually pretty funny. I loved it!

Location: Dunkin Donuts, Roanoke, Virginia

Overweight customer: “How much is in a half- dozen? Is it 12?”

Whoa!

I dreamed last night that our old house in Virginia had been remodeled. The remodeling job was really crazy and the sedate blue Colonial had turned into in a hot yellow- orange stuccoed place with weird patterns of windows and a shiny purple and green sculptural glass roof.

Anyway, so I drew a picture of the before and after. Why not? While I was finishing it up, a ladybug visited and walked through a blob of wet ink and then went on a short journey around the drawing.

Here’s a closeup:

Today we went to Best Buy. It was fun playing with the iMac.

We also went to the Thomas Kinkade store.

Surprisingly, I couldn’t hate the Thomas Kinkade paintings. (It could have been because yesterday I screwed up my back at the gym and today I was feeble. Not really because I am getting old, it WAS Friday the 13th and I am constantly getting exercise related injuries.) The paintings are superficial and too pretty and as Mike pointed out, they are full of contrived rather than genuine emotions. But they do have some nice areas.

And sometimes they work.

For example, Nascar Thunder. This painting works. It’s over the top with the colors and the drawing is weak, but I like the subject matter.

You can get a copy of Nascar Thunder from Thomas Kinkade’s website for $795.

Today I went to Home Depot at 8:30 AM to buy some Masonite to paint on. The problem is Masonite comes in 8 foot by 4 foot sheets so they have to cut it for you at the store. They don’t let customers use the saws and you cannot get around this because you have to type in a code before the saw will turn on.

I had forgotten how crazy the Home Depot workers are. They were absent from the Masonite-cutting area so I had to track them down near the paint section. One fortyish guy in coveralls and one of those orange Home Depot vest/apron things told me that they “don’t cut Masonite, because the saws don’t work on concrete.” I politely replied that Masonite is a kind of hardboard. Eventually I discovered the Masonite-cutting guy was in the bathroom and was expected to be there for the next 30 minutes, so instead a lunatic cashier attempted to cut my Masonite. It quickly became apparent that he had no experience with the power saw.

It didn’t work out at all. The resulting bits of Masonite were all the wrong sizes and shapes, and they did not possess any right angles. The crazy worker tried to convince me to buy them anyway, employing various passive-aggressive sales tactics revolving around the central idea that at least he had TRIED to cut the Masonite correctly. I declined and stumbled, shellshocked, from Home Depot. I went straight to Lowe’s (Lowe’s does not carry Masonite in this area) and bought pre-cut hardwood panels to paint on. More expensive but much more restful.

“I can’t believe your neighbor parks in your spot!” shouted my crazy downstairs neighbor’s unpleasant mother yesterday, when she showed up to clean his roach infested hellhole of an apartment, as she frequently does on Sundays.

She was talking about me, of course. I heard her since I was sitting on the porch enjoying the sunny 60 degree weather. That is unusual for February around here.

Her son hears voices and is heavily medicated, so he doesn’t have a car. I think that means his parking spot is officially up for grabs.

Besides, I was only parked in his spot because somebody had already parked in mine.

UPDATE: When I got home today, I parked in my designated spot. I looked over at the numbers painted in the parking lot and realized that during this entire incident, I was actually parked in my OTHER neighbor’s spot. Nobody was parked in the medicated guy’s space AT ALL!

Today we went to the Western store, where I tried on rhinestone belts while Mike looked at cowboy boots.

This one guy- fifty years old, unshaven, six foot, two hundred fifty pounds, in Carhartt overalls, wearing baseball cap, stared at me for a long time but I avoid eye contact in places like that. Eventually he built up the nerve to drawl, “Son, the guys’ belts are OVER THERE.”

I was still interested in the belts though I stopped trying them on. I lingered.

“They do seem kind of over-the-top,” I replied.

Last night I dreamed I was in Ethics class and this is what the professor- a fiftysomething blonde battle-ax- gave us as our ethical scenario:

Here’s your scenario:

You are in a room with a desk. The desk has a hutch. Your roommate is sitting at the desk. He or she is using your computer. Inside the hutch there is a tiger. You have a choice. You can either eat your roommate, or you have to open the hutch and let the tiger out.

What do you do?

Here’s some more information:

The tiger drives a Porsche.

Went to Jason’s last night for soup. A pyramid was the logical conclusion to the evening. We regretted the low ceilings.

A lot happened on Sunday.

We went to the Star City Cat Fanciers cat show. There were so many cats. It was awesome.

Here is when we first arrived.

We were very excited that our counterfeit coupons were accepted. That was a $4 savings. Immediately we set all of our cameras on a ledge and set the timers so we could take a group photo in our cat shirts.

The hotel was abuzz. Tons of cat fanciers, of course, but also a surprising number of dogs in coats. There was a bar, but the bartender told us they sold out of all of the alcohol and they had to close by 2:30 PM. That was disturbing and a shame, but I reminded the group that we don’t need alcohol to have fun, when we have cats.

Amid the hubbub I took the opportunity to pee and found this in the men’s room:

European. Get it? For the ladies, this is some kind of deodorant cake/splash guard that you find in many urinals. I don’t know how useful they really are but you still see them a lot.

After that we checked out the vendors area where there was a wide variety of garish cat themed items for sale, many of which I liked a lot such as rhinestone brooches in the shapes of playful cats. For better or worse, it is outside my comfort zone to wear these kinds of items. I also felt awkward about photographing anything in the vendors area. I did however take a picture of Julia’s insane fingers, which turn white in the cold.

After that we looked at cats.

Here is my favorite cat:

I like his crazy flat face and the fact that his fur is a giant poof. I would like a cat like this.

There were quite a few crazies at the cat show, but mostly they were harmless and seemed to really love their cats and love the jazzy environment. I love people who are totally absorbed in what they are doing. In this case, it was cats, but it is nice whatever the context.

I learned that acting like a lurking monster is not permissible in the cat show environment. According to a strident cat show worker, allegedly this behavior makes cats nervous. Repeat it at your own risk:

We had exhausted most of the options at the cat show when feverish hunger drove us- well, actually I drove us in the 4 Runner- to our favorite Roanoke dining spot- Thelma’s Chicken and Waffles.

There I had Fried Green Tomatoes, which were fantastic, served with a “mo betta” sauce that was slightly pink:

Followed by chicken and waffles.

Additional strange sights were seen at a flea market, including this suit of armor which was pretty cool.

Driving home we played Garth Brooks on the car radio. It was a perfect day.

I’ve been very productive lately.

Without even trying I made this attractive ghost by simply wiping my paintbrush on a kleenex, or maybe it is a napkin. Clearly a sign of genius.

I also made these coupons for the Roanoke “cat fanciers” show which we are attending tomorrow. We will get $1 off entry with these coupons. I had to use my highly developed Photoshop skills to make them. Obviously grad school is already paying off.

They are not perfect because perfection is impossible in home made graphic design projects and not worth striving for. The back is upside down and the colors do not match, even though I put them on newsprint. I’m trusting that the following assumptions will hold true:

1. The person checking these things will never notice, because we will be wearing cat sweatshirts:

2. If they do notice, it will probably be funny.

3. Forged cat coupons are probably not worth calling the FBI or pressing charges.

4. If they did, we would laugh about it later while kicking ourselves now.

5. We will describe our actions as a public art project if we are apprehended and sent to prison. You can get away with anything if you call it an art project.

I also mounted a show this week in the glass corridor known as the Radford University Satellite Gallery located in Muse Hall on the Radford campus. The show is called Landscapes and it is pictures of landscapes I painted last summer.

I wanted to see some landscapes and Mike wanted to do some off roading so the other day we went to Burke’s Garden, VA, which was totally dope.

I really liked the crazy tall mailbox on a snowy mountain road:

There were huge icicles in Burke’s Garden as well but these giant ones were actually just down the hill from my house in Radford:

Him: Did you buy new mouthwash?
Me: No, but I mint to.