When you start painting portraits of the cat.

Mom’s looking for a job. She’s got an interview today.

Here’s what she has to say about it:

“I asked Susan (her sister) for some examples of questions she thought they might ask and she said she wasn’t able to be of much help because when she is interviewing teachers she really wants to know if they can tolerate having snot wiped on their leg or having their shoes vomited on. Actually I think those questions would be a lot more interesting than being asked about your work history and about what kind of computer software you can use.

Gotta run. I want to read over my resume so I can remember what I have told them I have done in the past and make sure I didn’t bs too much.

Have a great day. Love, MOMMA”

-to occasionally pick up the soft scrub? And do something with it?
-to throw away the package the new shower head came in?
-to throw away the old shower head? I think I installed the shower head in October, and it is now June.

They say we have lost our reflexes since we don’t spend our days being chased by hungry tigers and what not.

But I have reflexes the cave men never had, such as turning off my ipod when I am getting out of the car. It is one fluid, automatic, beautiful integrated motion. I’d like to see a cave man do THAT while running away from a tiger.

Q: Why would you put your house up for sale at 80% of its apparent market value?
A: There is no good answer. Because you have less time than brains?

tired hot thirsty ugly cramped little houses that list linoleum with holes in it I’m relatively sure I could manage FSBO grouchy unrealistic expecations no breakfast before 3 hour presentation spontaneous bathroom breaks air conditioning booming

I have reached that point in the summer when abandoning sensible savings plans in favor of a convertible seems essential.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a splendid excellent wonderful example of a movie where the writer, director, and star are all the same person and the movie is hilarious and it rocks. And Garden State was not like that at all. It may have succeeded as a work of art and some of the visual irony was really excellent. But it just didn’t click together and soar at any point, at least not on the first watching and it was just too painful to watch it a second time.

Natalie Portman was the glue that failed to hold this movie together in the manner of glue holding on space shuttle tiles failing and the whole business just blowing spectacularly up. She was unconvincing as a happy-go-lucky ditz and completely failed to portray the vivacious, effervescent character with occasionally glimpsed depths that was obviously needed as a foil for Zack Branff (is that how you spell it?)’s creepy staring-lithium-freak-with-occasionally-glimpsed-depths lead.

Part of her problem is those eyebrows. They are too high-class and they make her look too serious. And way too rich for this role. Between her eyebrows and Zack’s giant scary capped teeth, I didn’t even know where to look on the screen most of the time.

Hohan would have been a much better choice and then we could have also had some song and dance numbers which are welcome in any movie.

Dear Fran,

Almost everytime I’m hanging out with my new girlfriend we hear at least one rendition of “Money” by the band Pink Floyd (on the radio, off a randomly shuffled iPod, covered by a live band)… Do you know what it means? Is there any deeper meaning to the song or the words in regards to our budding relationship?

Thanks!

– M

Dear M,

It sounds like you’ve landed yourself a gold digger. Quit your job and raise goats.

Sincerely,

Fran

PS Don’t forget the prenup.

Sample conversation:

Dad: I’m so glad you’re starting your Master’s.
Kevin: Well, it’s not the most practical subject.
Dad: So what?

Damn straight.

1. that she went running moments after eating apple french toast. I don\’t think this is even physically possible.
2. that the next day she went running BEFORE breakfast. How can you go running one day after apple french toast and the next before breakfast?
3. that she has a \’titanium iBook.\’ There is no titanium iBook! It\’s a powerbook, woman!!!!! Get it right.
4. that she considers a muffin to be a \’piggy\’ breakfast food. OK we all know they contain like 1 million calories and fat grams but still… I think of muffin as restrained breakfast and Denny\’s Grand Slam as piggy breakfast, muffin as the Jenny Craig of breakfast foods whereas a BK Croissanwich breakfast combo is the Roseanne Barr of breakfast foods…

-Christopher Brookmyre

I think this book does an astonishing job of encapsulating its theme in its structure. It seems at first as though the first person narration, which is a laugh-out-loud criticism of modern-day suburban living, is the satire here. But then it turns out that the book is really a satire about the very same nihilistic attitude underlying the criticism of the suburban lifestyle itself.

That’s pretty unexpected. Well done.

I got this at a used bookstore and the prices on the back are in British pounds and Canadian dollars, so I guess it’s not widely available in this country.